I’m not
sure what I’m writing here, or what this will look like at the end. I have a feeling it will be heavily caveated,
because no matter what I say it will come off as either a judgment or an
excuse.
It’s sort
of about me and exercise. Sort of about
breastfeeding. Sort of about attachment
parenting. Sort of about society and the
superwoman syndrome. Sort of about
balance.
I’ve made
no secret of the fact that adjusting to life with Chip was a struggle. He didn’t behave how the other babies
behaved, and he certainly didn’t behave how the babies in books behaved. It was hard for me not to feel like I had
pretty much everything to do with that, which led to me often feeling like a
completely useless mother. But I didn’t
just feel useless because I couldn’t seem to keep my precious baby happy. I also felt useless because I was huge and
fat and tired and not getting any exercise in and not keeping up with the
housework and that sort of thing.
Occasionally,
we’d have a “good” day, mostly involving a long nap, and I’d get a bit more
done. Or he’d be happy and easy, and
we’d be able to go out for a walk and lunch with friends. Or he’d settle easily and sleep mostly
through the night. On those days I felt
like supermum, and thought I had this Mum thing DOWN.
It wasn’t
til about 3 months, maybe later, that I realized I had it all back to
front. I’m not any more of a supermum on
the days that I do chores while he naps in his cot, or on the days we enjoy
walks and coffees, or on the nights I’m well rested. In fact, I’m my most super Mum on the days I
cuddle him to sleep because he’s feeling yucky, or stay patient with him when
he grizzles and cries all day, or respond to him 5 times overnight because he
needs food or teething gel or a cuddle.
The thing
is, I don’t just think I have it back
to front. I think it goes far deeper
than that. When your baby is born, for
every voice telling you to relax and take it easy, and just spend the day on
the couch feeding and eating lactation cookies, there are a thousand “voices”
telling you (usually more indirectly, and not to your face) that you should be
keeping house, being out and about, and getting back in shape. Easily a thousand voices telling you your
baby should be napping X hours per day, should be able to be put to bed awake,
doesn’t “need” a night feed, should be sleeping through by now . You can
fit exercise and dinners out and everything in.
More than that- you SHOULD, and if you do, you are lauded as being
inspirational.
We seem to
applaud mothers for getting back into triathlon training, or cooking, or
working or whatever FAR more than we applaud them for actually BEING
MOTHERS.
It’s NOT
that I think we shouldn’t be continuing to take time for ourselves after we
give birth, or that it’s wrong to want to get out for a run, if just to escape
the baby thing for half an hour. It’s
just that I feel like we’ve gone beyond acknowledging that it’s important for
women to be able to continue to be people upon becoming mothers to EXPECTING
women to just continue not only being the same people but doing the same things
as they did before, despite having become mothers in the meantime.
What does
this mean for me, now?
1. Acknowledging that right now, I can’t
exercise, breastfeed, mother and work.
Some people can (Sarah being a great example.. . WOW), but right now, I
am falling asleep during night feeds, and I’ve snoozed my 6:30 alarm every day
for about 3 weeks. I could try to squeeze it in between 7:45
and 8:45 every night, but I don’t want to.
2. Deciding that out of those four
things, my priorities are mother, breastfeed, and work in that order.
3. Accepting that that means exercise
is very much a bonus right now.
4. Deciding that I don’t need to
forgive myself for making that decision; and
5. Embracing the 3am cuddles, because
they won’t last forever.
